Unwritten

Summer. 

For me, summer is confusing. Summer is a time where I am left with too much time on my hands. I spend months with all my philosophical musings and insane dreams. I spend months trying to decide what to do with my summer and I spend so much time trying to plan, that I lose most of my summer. I spend so much time trying to get my summer to be exactly how I want it to be and spend it in the perfect way, that I forget to live. 

This summer I don't want to spend the whole time on the couch watching Netflix and hoping that I can make plans with friends soon. I do not want to spend my whole summer making plans for and focusing on the school year to come. I don't want to spend this whole entire summer yearning for school to begin again. Don't get me wrong... I miss school. I miss my friends. I miss my classes. I miss my professors. I miss having a place where I belong, but I can just as easily make that place here for a few months. 

My summer plans aren't concrete. I have nothing set in stone and I honestly have no clue where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm 18. I have so much ahead of me in life. I know what I want of course, but my future is unwritten. I don't have my life written and planned out in front of me. God has not blessed me with a copy of the story of my life. I don't know what's going to happen... but I can live every day like it's my last. I can live with passion. 

This summer I'm going to adventure. I'm going to laugh. I'm going to do a lot of things... but nothing is set in stone...

My Summer Wishlist:

1) Midterm in Taekwondo

2) Possibly consider competing again

3) Continue running whether it be a mile a day or four or more... it feels good when I'm done

4) Continue doing a minimum of two hours of taekwondo a day (during the week at least)

5) Continue hunting for a summer job

6) Learn to be even more independent 

7) Truly devote time to grow in my walk with the Lord

8) Practice every day 

9) Go on a crazy adventure or several...

I say it's a wishlist because all of these things could happen... or none of them could happen... but I don't know if or when they will... I'll do my best to make these things happen, but I don't know. and I'm actually okay with that. 

Resonating Lyrics: 

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.

The rest of the lyrics are important too, but if you want to hear the rest just go listen to the song. 

My Life is in Your Hands

There is nothing more I can do.

That sentence is one of the single most terrifying sentences in my world. I'm never that person. I don't accept that ever, but right now it's where I'm at. The last few weeks have reminded me of a few things... 1) I am not in control   2) I can't do everything   3) Life isn't perfect    4) Sometimes there is nothing I can do but pray   and most importantly: 5) No matter what is going on in my life, God knows what he is doing. I can get through anything if I put my faith in him.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm unemployed, drowning in school loans, an emotional mess, tired, and uncertain as to what I'm doing with my life. My family is a mess, I really cannot find a job, and I don't even know what to do with myself... but I keep telling myself it will all be okay.

Every time we sang this song on tour I really thought about the words.. I thought about everything going on in my life and I'm not going to lie.. I cried. But I think the wonderful thing that I'm realizing is that I will make it if I just trust God. Yes all of San Diego County seems to be on fire right now. Yes I am terrified for my friends and my family. Yes I wish I knew where they were all evacuating to and knew that they were going to be 100% okay... but I don't. Yes, I wish I got the answers I wanted. Yes, I wish that life wasn't complicated. Yes, I wish that I was employed. Yes, I wish that my whole life didn't keep flipping upside down. Yes, I wish I could get people to stop leaving. Yes, I wish life would just pause. Yes, I wish I could have everything figured out. But that just isn't how life works.... not at all.

And with all that insanity out in the open I leave you with this to mull over:

Resonating Lyrics:
You don't have to worry and don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

So when your tests and trials, they seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is broken, just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

Sometime we really just need that reminder... the reminder that as cheesy as it sounds.. the size of our storm doesn't matter... what matters is the size of our God. I'm horrible at remembering that. I'm horrible at putting my trust in Him and accepting that I can't do it alone. I hate admitting that I need help, but I need to. I need help. I can't do it, but the great thing is my life is in His hands.  

Oceans

To say the last week has been difficult would be a bit of an understatement... A death, a funeral, heartbreak, family problems, drama, and a car accident to top it all off... This has not been my week...

But with my new approach to life, I keep telling myself that it's in God's plan. These are just challenges that are making me into a better person. I have to start looking at the silver lining..

Yes, I got in a car accident, but my car was okay as was his and he didn't even ask for my insurance. He just said, "you know I was going to get it washed anyways. You're fine." It could have been so much worse. There could have been more damage than there was. We could have been hurt. A lot could have gone wrong, but God had his hand in it and everyone is okay.

Yes, my family is really hard for me most of the time, but they love me. They make me want to rip my hair out sometimes. Sometimes they make me really sad or insecure... But they support me when I really need them.

Yes, my heart hurts. A lot. But there are so many places I could go with this and things I can do with it. I'm realizing that it can only get better from here.

The hardest pill for me to swallow has always been death though... It's hard. It's unfair. Frankly it's something that will always be hard for me whether I know the person or not. A Taekwondo class mate passed away this week. He had four kids between the ages of 12 and 16. He was a Christian, in excellent shape, and extremely kind. I didn't interact with him much, but he and his whole family had always been so kind. When I got the news I thought my mom was messing with me. It was impossible. I had spent my morning watching videos that he took at the testing the night before. It was impossible. But the funny thing about death and God's plan is that they don't make sense to us... And God doesn't have to make it understandable. We just have to trust in him. From this family I learned about finding true strength in Christ. At the funeral they were just praising The Lord and trusting in him after he completely flipped their world upside down. If that family who just had their rock ripped away from them, can trust in God and make it why can't I?

Life is always going to be hard. My life tends to kick the crap out of me until I break... But I've decided that I don't want that to be my pattern anymore. As the oceans rise and roar, as storm after storm comes my way, I'm going to try really hard to put my faith in The Lord. Accepting that God's plan for me isn't the same as mine for me has been a struggle for me... But I'm willing to pull through the struggle... Because I have a pretty powerful God on my side and I don't think he's going to let me drown.

Resonating Lyrics:
And I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours and you are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior