Shake it Off

It's been a while since I posted anything. A very very long while, but life has been crazy to say the least. From boy drama to losing friends to backstabbing to family matters to school stress and even to dramatic international relationship struggles it has been a really rough couple of months.

All I can say is thank you Jesus, music, Diet Coke, and Taylor Swift for keeping me semi-sane this semester especially at the end. Never at any point in my life would I have been able to handle the insanity that has been thrown my way as well as I'm handling it now. This is not an exaggeration... not even a little bit. When friends have heard the full story of everything going on in my life, they just look at me like I've grown a third head. I've reached the point where I have no clue how I am still standing and how on Earth I am still smiling, but dang it I'm going to smile. I am so proud of the point in my life I have reached and the realizations that have hit me in the past several months.

Everything going on in my life has really solidified something that I have been learning and working on for years... God's plan is greater than mine. I thought that I had really learned that with my whole college decision fiasco, but boy was I wrong... this semester has truly taught me what it means to just trust in the Lord. On bad days I just remind myself that I will make it through if I just know that God will carry me when I can go on no more. Honestly I LOVE that. I love that at this point in my life I'm able to just sit down and look at the situation differently if I'm getting too worked up. It is so many different levels of wonderful. I've learned that I don't have to be anxious about anything. I can bring anything and everything to the Lord. I may not get the answer I want, but I know that this path he has my on will be a great one.

In addition the friends I do have are phenomenal. Everyone who has been there through everything, everyone who has supported me, and everyone who has said that I am completely justified in my actions has truly made this easier. I have learned who my true friends are, as well as the signs that someone is truly my friend. I've learned that I don't have to fight to keep people in my life. If someone does not want to be in my life, I no longer want to try and convince them to stay. Instead of spending all of this time and energy trying to win people back and keep people, I have decided to shake it off. I want to continue to consistently move forward.

This semester I have truly learned to ignore the people who hate me. I've learned to ignore the people who doubt me or don't care about me. I've learned that the best I can do is the best I can do. If what I can do is not good enough for someone, than that is just too bad. I'm not perfect and as hard as I try and pretend I am, I cannot and will not ever be perfect. I don't need people in my life who only want to criticize me. I don't need people who are going to lie to me. I don't need people who are going to hurt me. I deserve friends who care about me and want me to be happy. I deserve friends who treat me well and don't use me. I deserve friends who are willing to be there when I need them.

And as far as the romance department... I don't NEED anyone. All the people asking me why I'm single... I'm single because I want to be. I'm single because I don't want to settle just to be in a relationship. I want someone who wants to be with me and only me. I deserve someone who isn't going to lie to me or make outrageous promises they don't intend to keep. I deserve someone who doesn't settle for me because I'm available, but chooses me because they want me. I deserve someone who likes me for who I am. I deserve someone who isn't going to try to change me every single step of the way. I deserve someone who wants to grow together. Until I find that person, the person who respects me and treats me well.. the person who is willing to be my partner and equal, I don't need to be in a relationship.

 I am fine being single.

I am fine working on my friendships.

I am fine working on my walk with God.

and I am really really happy to work on growing to be the woman that I know I can be.

I want to continue moving forward. I want to continue shaking all the bad stuff off and reminding myself of the great things I have going for me.



Resonating Lyrics:

Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off. Shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off

Roar

I've made so many important discoveries about myself and who I am this summer.... my whole life I've let people tell me who I am. Even worse is the fact that I did everything I could to live up to those standards and be who they wanted me to be... According to those around me I'm:
1) The Girl Who Can do Anything
2) The Golden Child
3) A Prude
4) The Kid Parents Want Their Kids to Hang Out With
5) The Singer
6) The Future Star
7) The Dreamer
8) The Dedicated Black Belt
9) The Nerd
10) The Forever Alone One
11) The Strong Independent One
12) The Jesus Freak
13) The Crazy One
14) The Sarcastic One
15) The Princess
16) The Bossy One
17) The Responsible One
18) The Ambitious One
19) The Bookworm
20) The Smart Kid

This is by no means an exhaustive list. It isn't in any particular order... and I'm not saying that all of these things are bad or that they are wrong. I am proud to be some of these things, but I'm learning that these things are not WHO I AM. I am a complex person. I make mistakes, I push people away, I fight, I lash out, I'm an emotional mess.... but I'm me. I am tired of people telling me who I should be.

Chances are that unless you have tried to get a hold of me this summer, you have heard nothing. I am tired of fighting to keep people in my life who don't want to be there. Whether it be family members, "friends", or classmates I don't want to have to try so hard to make people like me and want to be around me. I'm tired of people-pleasing, always texting first, always being the counselor, and tired of feeling alone.... now I don't mind these things some times... but not all the time.

This summer I have taken the time to really really think about what I want, who I am, and where I am going in my life. I've taken time to reflect on who is important to me, what is important to me, and what I need to do to live a life I'm proud of. I've made interesting changes in my habits... I work a minimum of five days a week. Spare time I have is not spent going out, but spent at home with my parents or Netflix or my Bible.

I do not want to be defined as one of the labels above... but there are so many characteristics I want to have... Every day I'm striving towards being a woman that:
1) Is Kind to Everyone She Meets
2) Puts Smiles on the Faces of Those She Comes in Contact With
3) Is an Excellent Reflection of the Lord
4) Helps in Any Way She Can
5) Does Not Hold Grudges
6) Understands Her Value
7) Is Content Being Alone
8) Is Content Being With Someone Else
9) Pursues Her Dreams With Passion
10) Stands for What She Believes

I'm actually doing a pretty good job living like this.... but I'm not perfect. AT ALL.


I no longer want to be perfect. I want to be me. I want to live a life that rocks the boat a little... Given the current state of the world around us, the boat needs to be rocked a bit. This summer has given me a strength I never ever knew I had. .This summer has given me a confidence in who I am capable of being that I never knew was possible... I'm ready to stand up and to speak up. I'm ready to make a difference in the lives of those around me and to make a difference around the world... whether it be donating to missions trips or helping an elderly woman find a card at the store or serving with a smile... I don't want to be a silent observer. I want to shake things up. I want to Roar.





Resonating Lyrics:
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath.
Scared to rock the boat or make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely.
I guess that I forgot I had a choice,
let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing so I fell for everything.
You held me down but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready  'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Really the whole song resonates... but you get the picture

Unwritten

Summer. 

For me, summer is confusing. Summer is a time where I am left with too much time on my hands. I spend months with all my philosophical musings and insane dreams. I spend months trying to decide what to do with my summer and I spend so much time trying to plan, that I lose most of my summer. I spend so much time trying to get my summer to be exactly how I want it to be and spend it in the perfect way, that I forget to live. 

This summer I don't want to spend the whole time on the couch watching Netflix and hoping that I can make plans with friends soon. I do not want to spend my whole summer making plans for and focusing on the school year to come. I don't want to spend this whole entire summer yearning for school to begin again. Don't get me wrong... I miss school. I miss my friends. I miss my classes. I miss my professors. I miss having a place where I belong, but I can just as easily make that place here for a few months. 

My summer plans aren't concrete. I have nothing set in stone and I honestly have no clue where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm 18. I have so much ahead of me in life. I know what I want of course, but my future is unwritten. I don't have my life written and planned out in front of me. God has not blessed me with a copy of the story of my life. I don't know what's going to happen... but I can live every day like it's my last. I can live with passion. 

This summer I'm going to adventure. I'm going to laugh. I'm going to do a lot of things... but nothing is set in stone...

My Summer Wishlist:

1) Midterm in Taekwondo

2) Possibly consider competing again

3) Continue running whether it be a mile a day or four or more... it feels good when I'm done

4) Continue doing a minimum of two hours of taekwondo a day (during the week at least)

5) Continue hunting for a summer job

6) Learn to be even more independent 

7) Truly devote time to grow in my walk with the Lord

8) Practice every day 

9) Go on a crazy adventure or several...

I say it's a wishlist because all of these things could happen... or none of them could happen... but I don't know if or when they will... I'll do my best to make these things happen, but I don't know. and I'm actually okay with that. 

Resonating Lyrics: 

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.

The rest of the lyrics are important too, but if you want to hear the rest just go listen to the song. 

My Life is in Your Hands

There is nothing more I can do.

That sentence is one of the single most terrifying sentences in my world. I'm never that person. I don't accept that ever, but right now it's where I'm at. The last few weeks have reminded me of a few things... 1) I am not in control   2) I can't do everything   3) Life isn't perfect    4) Sometimes there is nothing I can do but pray   and most importantly: 5) No matter what is going on in my life, God knows what he is doing. I can get through anything if I put my faith in him.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm unemployed, drowning in school loans, an emotional mess, tired, and uncertain as to what I'm doing with my life. My family is a mess, I really cannot find a job, and I don't even know what to do with myself... but I keep telling myself it will all be okay.

Every time we sang this song on tour I really thought about the words.. I thought about everything going on in my life and I'm not going to lie.. I cried. But I think the wonderful thing that I'm realizing is that I will make it if I just trust God. Yes all of San Diego County seems to be on fire right now. Yes I am terrified for my friends and my family. Yes I wish I knew where they were all evacuating to and knew that they were going to be 100% okay... but I don't. Yes, I wish I got the answers I wanted. Yes, I wish that life wasn't complicated. Yes, I wish that I was employed. Yes, I wish that my whole life didn't keep flipping upside down. Yes, I wish I could get people to stop leaving. Yes, I wish life would just pause. Yes, I wish I could have everything figured out. But that just isn't how life works.... not at all.

And with all that insanity out in the open I leave you with this to mull over:

Resonating Lyrics:
You don't have to worry and don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

So when your tests and trials, they seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is broken, just lift your hands and say

Oh I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

Sometime we really just need that reminder... the reminder that as cheesy as it sounds.. the size of our storm doesn't matter... what matters is the size of our God. I'm horrible at remembering that. I'm horrible at putting my trust in Him and accepting that I can't do it alone. I hate admitting that I need help, but I need to. I need help. I can't do it, but the great thing is my life is in His hands.  

Oceans

To say the last week has been difficult would be a bit of an understatement... A death, a funeral, heartbreak, family problems, drama, and a car accident to top it all off... This has not been my week...

But with my new approach to life, I keep telling myself that it's in God's plan. These are just challenges that are making me into a better person. I have to start looking at the silver lining..

Yes, I got in a car accident, but my car was okay as was his and he didn't even ask for my insurance. He just said, "you know I was going to get it washed anyways. You're fine." It could have been so much worse. There could have been more damage than there was. We could have been hurt. A lot could have gone wrong, but God had his hand in it and everyone is okay.

Yes, my family is really hard for me most of the time, but they love me. They make me want to rip my hair out sometimes. Sometimes they make me really sad or insecure... But they support me when I really need them.

Yes, my heart hurts. A lot. But there are so many places I could go with this and things I can do with it. I'm realizing that it can only get better from here.

The hardest pill for me to swallow has always been death though... It's hard. It's unfair. Frankly it's something that will always be hard for me whether I know the person or not. A Taekwondo class mate passed away this week. He had four kids between the ages of 12 and 16. He was a Christian, in excellent shape, and extremely kind. I didn't interact with him much, but he and his whole family had always been so kind. When I got the news I thought my mom was messing with me. It was impossible. I had spent my morning watching videos that he took at the testing the night before. It was impossible. But the funny thing about death and God's plan is that they don't make sense to us... And God doesn't have to make it understandable. We just have to trust in him. From this family I learned about finding true strength in Christ. At the funeral they were just praising The Lord and trusting in him after he completely flipped their world upside down. If that family who just had their rock ripped away from them, can trust in God and make it why can't I?

Life is always going to be hard. My life tends to kick the crap out of me until I break... But I've decided that I don't want that to be my pattern anymore. As the oceans rise and roar, as storm after storm comes my way, I'm going to try really hard to put my faith in The Lord. Accepting that God's plan for me isn't the same as mine for me has been a struggle for me... But I'm willing to pull through the struggle... Because I have a pretty powerful God on my side and I don't think he's going to let me drown.

Resonating Lyrics:
And I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours and you are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

Begin Again

For those of you that have been around a while, you know that I used to blog a lot. There are some things from that blog that will be carried over like my use of song titles because well... I'm me. There are a lot of things though that won't continue though. My blog used to be a place for me to vent or work out whatever was going on in my life by writing about it. I don't really need a place to vent though. If you came here looking for juicy information about my life, I can guarantee that there won't be anything interesting.

As the title of this says... I'm starting again. On this final day of my freshman year of college, I decided to look back at the person I was at the beginning of this year compared to now. I can honestly say I'm starting to love the new person I've become. This year I was incredibly blessed (and finally realized some of the blessings in my life) with being able to live and grow with eight sisters in Christ. They have shaped and changed me in ways that they probably won't ever realize, but I am so thankful for them and who they are. I was blessed with wonderful friends, neighbors, professors, and experiences. In the last eight months I have realized some of what I really want in life. All of my life I have been told that I need to find a guy, date him, get married, and have kids. That's what I always thought would happen when I went to college, but this year I learned that I LOVE my independence. I LOVE being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I learned that I want and need time to grow alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved being in a relationship too... but I learned that before I get into a relationship with a man of God, I need to build a stronger relationship with God himself. I learned that although I've gone to church for as long as I remember, I was not being intentional in my walk with the Lord.

With this realization came some intense life changes (near-death experiences tend to make you realize some pretty important things). Here are some examples of changes I have made in my life:
1) I'm being intentional in my prayer
2) I'm getting in the word every day
3) I'm make a point of attempting to be kind to everyone
4) I'm reconciling past differences and problems
5) I'm attempting to be more of a servant and putting others first
6) I'm avoiding negativity and trying to be light in the lives of those around me


Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and never will be. But I truly feel like college is a new beginning for me. It's changing who I am as a person. It has made me stronger, more independent, more driven, more focused, and just a better person in general. With my new beginning I want to take it day by day, enjoy the little things (whether they are going on an adventure or making cookies for my neighbors) and honestly be the best person I could be. I want to let go of the past injuries and harms. I want positivity and happiness. I want to really take advantage of every day that I have been blessed with on this wonderful planet. I can't wait for my future and i remember the past, but I'm really really just excited for the present and all of the wonderful things God has in store for me today (and for the days to come). So keep in touch and thanks for reading.


Resonating Lyrics:

And for the first time what's past is past

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did
I've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again.